Day Twenty-Three: Sort of.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is highly annoying since I actually have to stay late at work today so I don't have to go in until 10:30. So basically, I have the equivalent of almost an entire workday to stress about the move. On the other hand, I currently have 13 tabs open in my browser which each reflect a job opportunity I've found in the past hour. And since finding a job is a full-time job, I figure I'm only now starting to put in the appropriate amount of work. It's really overwhelming to think about all these jobs. I am very bad at failure.

Side note:
I heard an interesting talk the other day, actually, about modern students. This generation of college students (particularly at Emory, but I'm sure it's reflected other places as well) has been raised by parents who see as their parenting goals:

1) to structure their children's lives excessively to prepare them for college (leaving them unable to structure their own lives during and afterwards),

2) to protect their children from failure and any negative consequences of their actions, and

3) to be their children's best friends.

As a "childless" woman, of course, I would never *dare* to criticize anyone else's childrearing choices, but this seems shortsighted to me.

So getting back to my own problems, I am just overwhelmed at all the failure I'm signing myself up for, which is actually very exciting for me, since this will really be the first time I've gone "all in," so to speak, with my career. I'm feeling enthusiastic and terrified. It's a weird combination. I just hope I'm not getting an ulcer (although I think that's probably in vain).

In other news, I've been sad this morning about Collin. Not about the break-up, because Lord knows if he wants out of the relationship, I want him out, too. I just really miss him. Looking back on our short, sweet relationship, I realize that it was actually my first *adult* relationship in many ways. It was a relationship I wanted, pursued, nurtured, and worked to maintain. It feels nice to know I can do it.

What I find endlessly entertaining and heartbreaking is that several times he has told me that he wants to be in a relationship with the Charity I was before. Leaving aside my confused observation that I am actually the same person, I can't help but think that's strange and very sad, since at the time we were together before, I was emotionally closed as tightly as a fist around the blind love I had for two unattainable people (one emotionally dead, the other physically dead), and (probably as a result) abusing drugs and alcohol and in all honesty, dead-end relationships.

I'm 100% sure I'd rather be the Charity I am today. But I still miss Collin.