Day Thirty-?: ?

I just got an email from my mom informing me that despite what she said earlier, she would not be loaning me the money to help cover moving costs to San Francisco. Melodramatic moment: everything I counted on has failed me, and nothing I've worked hard on has come to fruition. I just don't see how this can possibly happen anymore, which really breaks my heart. I need a new start because I literally cannot stay here any longer, nor would I want to. I feel like any number of people are trying to give me "tough love" but at this point I would just like a little compassion and understanding. I feel so discouraged right now. Also, I know Collin is on a date tonight, which does not help at all. I'm supposed to go visit next week but at this point I just can't even think about it. At least I've had no trouble losing weight, although it hasn't been terribly healthy I guess. But I'm saving on food costs: I still eat regularly of course, I just don't have much of an appetite anymore, so I don't eat much.

I wish things weren't so bleak lately, but it is what it is. I feel like my whole life is a deep wound right now, and I'll just have to wait until it heals. And hope it does.

Day Twenty-Four: Already.

Yikes. Time moves like the dickens! Or, the Dickens. I don't know.

I can't believe it's been almost a month. Let me see what I've done.

1) I've lost six pounds. Excellent.

2) I've sorted through a bunch of junk, but I haven't taken the donations to the Salvation Army or put the sellables on Craig's List. Oh well.

3) I've gone to visit SF for the first time and fallen in love with it.

4) I've done my taxes (it is incredible to me that I've done my taxes before March this year. This is the first time I've done them before April, as far as I recall). Awesome.

5) I've really gotten my website into good shape I think.

6) I've applied for probably 20 jobs, most of those in the last 6 days, actually. I've also sent emails to several contacts I have and gotten promising leads from at least one of them.

7) I've gotten closer to Collin's family although he's gotten further (and farther) away from me (yes, it's weird).

I'm excited to see what's in store for me in the near future. I'm really impatient to get to SF but I think I'm doing ok with the process so far.

I did send in my rent check today for March and think I should tell my landlord I'm moving... But when am I moving? Who knows. I'm amazed at how well I'm dealing with all this uncertainty.

Wow, you might be saying, because you're not dealing with it well at all. Exactly. What if I hadn't been dealing with it "well" then?

Our volunteer at work (we often work together, just me and her, since she often comes in when no one else is there) told me she was worried about me today, and then she gave me a really solid hug.

I'll be ok.

Day Twenty-Two: That Was Easy.

Well, I didn't get a job (yet) but I did finally wake up early enough to start my day with yoga! I feel ok -- I think it will take a while before it makes me feel great again. For now, I'm complainy and sore. But the immediate payoff was that I got to spend time with my cats, take a long luxurious shower, and I was actually on time for work. Not too shabby start to a day!

Of course, the reason I woke up in time to do all that was because I was having really gross and really frustrating and awful anxiety dreams, but c'est la vie. I think I had too much honey badger before bed...



Oh and by the way, I've lost 5 pounds! :-)

I spoke with Mom and Daddy last night on the phone about all the craziness in my life and they were very supportive and encouraging. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I'm really lucky. Even my brother checked in with me over email, despite having a brand new little baby at home.

Oh! And I did my taxes and will get a $600 refund! I'm considering a) buying a camera, or b) getting a bunch of acupuncture. My chi is all out of whack and I think both things would help tremendously with that. Maybe I'll buy a used camera and spring for 1 or 2 sessions of acupuncture. Sweet relief. Oooh, and a massage!

Things are looking up!

(I just got another job-rejection email by the way. But that's ok.)

Day Seventeen: Day is Done, Gone the Sun...

I'm really excited about my web design class tomorrow. I'm hoping to learn a bunch of stuff, or at least to learn some of the basics that I have skipped. The curse of being curious, stubborn, and intelligent is that one is sometimes able to figure things out without actually learning "the basics." I'm hoping that this class will at least fill in the basics-gaps.

In other web news, I was experimenting with Fotomoto for selling my photos on my website, and Collin was sweet enough to buy a photo from me (!), but I decided to try SmugMug also. I was able to customize my site's name (charitycrabtree.smugmug.com) and the look of the site, too! I'm very happy with it, but I haven't decided whether or not to invest in an account there. It's fun just to see it and think of the possibilities.

In other non-web news, my brother sent a photo to me today of my beautiful niece Harper wearing one of the onesies I embroidered for her! He called the photo Hula Girl. I love it.

LOVEly. I mean, how is it possible for so much beauty and miraculousness to occupy such a small part of the world?!

So now I'm really really tired and my apartment is still a mess, although I did sell two books on Amazon and, you know, set up a photography website (charitycrabtree.smugmug.com, did I tell you?), and I actually lost a couple of pounds last night, somehow. :-) Anyway, I am not down about it. I just know now that I need to make a to-do list for Sunday and stick to it.

I'll be going out with Yael for lunch on Sunday (YAY!) but I think that will be a good way to divide up the day between chilling out (AM) and working (PM). I need to write emails to the people I know in SF and that area, and try to set up some informational interviews. Plus, that will give me an excuse to buy another ticket to SF (where I'll get some good Collin-snuggle-time, I'm pretty sure)!

Speaking of Collin, apparently he gets free beer and pizza and bacon cheeseburgers at work, which is another reason for me to get out there ASAP. If I don't, there is apparently a very good chance that he will have a heart attack or gain 300 pounds. Or BOTH.

Ok, well, it's time for me to tuck into bed with my sweet Sambo, who patiently awaits...

Day Sixteen: Losing My Grip

Today we had kind of a big event at work and my boss asked me to basically be in charge during it. It was awesome. I loved it. I wore one of my "power suits" (I have 4 suits that I ordered from Overstock.com so "power suit" is an overstatement but please note that regardless, I WAS WEARING A SUIT). I introduced the introducer and wrapped up the event. It felt good. I've done most of the planning for it, so I think it was nice that my boss let me take the lead during the event.

Anyway, so when I got home I updated my website a little (I added a plug-in that allows visitors to buy my photos!). I also drank a few glasses of my FAVORITE wine, Gran Familia Rioja Crianza, and one of my favorite beers, Dale's Pale Ale. Yummy.

At this point I'm ready to go to bed. AT the same time, I feel compelled to share the following:

1) My living room is a clutter-y nightmare. If anyone wants to call Hoarders, I'd be ok with that at this point.

2) I still weigh 1,000,000 pounds and I still haven't made an effort to exercise (including yoga) since the beginning of this month. Just, you know, FYI.

3) I applied for 4 jobs 2 days ago and that was the last of it thus far. But I know I have to keep going. I need to set up informational interviews (which is awesome since I've been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder by multiple physicians and psychiatrists) with random contacts I have, but that's a pretty big challenge when I have a BRAND NEW NIECE IN BROOKLYN.

So basically: ack. I'm working on it. Or, I'm working it, depending on your perspective. Mine tends towards the latter.

TTYS.

Day Two: Losing My Hair

The news of the day is that I got my hair cut! It looks so cute now. It's a chin-length bob with layers and it is awesome. I feel great! Like things are starting to change/move forward.

Collin still hasn't started packing, and he leaves Tuesday. Just to say, I'm not the only one with a procrastination problem. I kind of understand his procrastination as hesitation to get the ball rolling, although he has already done almost everything else. I think when you start packing, it's like acknowledging that *this* is the plan - that the move is happening. The next time these belongings see the light of day will be in Pacific Time. To begin unpacking anywhere else would be failure.

For me, too, there's the question of getting rid of all of that excess. I'm trying but it seems there is always a pile of stuff that needs to be donated, and there is always furniture that needs to be sold filling up my living room, and I always seem to be accumulating somehow. It's not accumulating, really, but just the nonstop (re-)discovery process of all my junk as I find it and try to find a place for it keeps reminding me of how much unnecessary STUFF I have. And yet it's still difficult to get rid of it for some reason.

Speaking of procrastination, I still haven't applied for a job in SF. When I think about it my tummy starts hurting.

Recap:

Sold one book (one of Collin's photography books, actually).

Breakfast: bite-size shredded wheat and almond milk. Mmmm! Good start.

Lunch: I came home and ate a turkey sandwich with arugula and honey mustard on a toasted whole wheat bun. Then I packed some broccoli, cherry tomatoes, carrots, and an apple and snacked on it through the afternoon. Pretty good!

Dinner: Um, fried pierogies and curry with rice. Yes, that was less than ideal, but still. Very satisfying. Oh, and three beers. :-) So yeah, dinner wasn't perfect, but I went to Brick Store with Collin and his friend from a previous job.

It is so strange to meet all of Collin's friends for the first time at the same time I'm saying goodbye to them.

Day One: Easing In?

OK, so counting yesterday as day one, which seems logical, I must admit the following:

1) I did about 5 minutes of yoga before taking a rest and going to Whole Foods to buy food.
2) I ate nothing but carbs and fiber. At least I didn't just eat carbs...

Etc. The point of this lame blog entry is that day one was unspectacular, and filled with not-goal-accomplishing. So there.

Next Up? Day Two.

First Post Blues.

I am ready to change my life for the better.

Overall my life is promising right now, and I am determined to reach my full potential.

I hate my job, and I am not supported in it, nor am I given adequate professional development opportunities. My job is easy and I feel like I'm getting an ulcer from the stress and I think my brain is dying for want of a good challenge.

I am thirty pounds overweight. Over my goal weight.

My closest friends live multiple states away and I rarely get to see them.

My finances are in a mess. I make so little at my job that my student loans are in forbearance. And I still managed to overdraft my checking account last month.

I recently quit improv, which I love, because at this particular time, the place where I was doing improv was slowly but surely killing my soul. This is actually a very positive thing, since I've been wanting to quit for quite a while. However, it's bad because my fears about quitting were realized: I've lost all my local friends, for all practical purposes.

And my apartment is a mess. It is filled mostly with 12 years worth of academic and 33 years of emotional excess. And now, stink bugs too.

So you see? I have so many things to improve! I am actually really excited for the first time in a long time about what lies ahead. What I'm most excited about is seeing what lies ahead on my current path and realizing I can change paths.

So that's is what I'm going to do. And my new path leads to San Francisco.