Day Thirty: Post Script.

I do/did not want this to become a break-up blog, really, but I feel trapped here. Two weeks ago I felt like my new life was beginning, and that I had finally gotten out of my twenty-odd year dating slump and gotten involved with someone stable, silly, sweet, and sexy who loved me for me! I didn't have a job yet but I knew that no matter what happened I had a friend.

Now, less than two weeks later, that friend told me over chat that he doesn't ever want to see me again. How can I get past this? I feel like surely no one could know how I feel right now, because I feel like surely no one could survive this heartbreak.

I know it's good in the long run because clearly he's a sociopath (long story), but it's hard for me to think about the long run when I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the night.

We're moving at work; I spent all day packing boxes and crying and dusting and coughing and asking myself Why? Why this again, God?

I feel like there's literally a hole in my heart. The Collin I knew has died over the course of this week, and has been replaced with one of the cruelest people I have ever met. I want my old Collin back so desperately but I know I'll never see him again.

Of course this makes everything about the move ten times more terrifying. I found another place to stay when I'm there next weekend (one month after my last visit - remember that one?) but I can't even think about what I want to do because I can't imagine ever being happy again.

I'm going to try to make this the last of my break-up blog entries, so I wanted to really get everything out there. My mom and others have given me strict instructions never to communicate with him, but his address is on my resume!

How have I let myself get into this position? By the time I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart, if I can even find them all, I will probably be on my deathbed. I just think it's not my lot in life to be involved in a loving partnership with another person.

I don't want to dwell on it, I just really have no motivation to do anything at all, which leaves me here. Dwelling in it.

UPDATE from 3/8/11: I'm sorry I said Collin is a sociopath. He's not. I will always love him. I was speaking out of pain and that was my mistake.

Day Twenty-Nine: Letting Go.

Yesterday was intense.

Why is it so difficult for me to let go of bad habits and thoughts and feelings when I can let myself go so easily?

When my eighth grade teacher Mr. Hill told me flippantly one day after giving me detention for no reason, "Life's not fair, Charity," I had no idea how profound this statement actually is.

I have worked so hard for so long but when you get right down to it, that just doesn't matter. The right person has to just happen to see your resume in the stack of 300, you have to be in the right place at the right time (in your life) to meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with, you have to have the right people give you the right advice on career paths and major life decisions, and lately it just seems that if you work as hard as you possibly can and are as good a person as you can possibly be, you won't see a return on your investment without an amazing amount of luck. And I am very unlucky.

This journey I'm taking has been very exciting but also very lonely and very difficult. I appreciate that it is making me a better person but at some point I'd also like to feel job security and relationship stability too. I'd like to be able to count on something in my life.

I do enjoy being by myself, and I do think I'm a compassionate and hard-working person, but sometimes it's very hard to be so alone and feel so invisible.

Ok, I have to go pack boxes and move, because of course my office is moving this week. Why wouldn't we be?

Day Twenty-Five: Heck Yeah, Buddy!

1) Well, I applied for two jobs at Berkeley that both look AWESOME. Like, I could do them, and I would love to do them. Those are jobs I would look forward to every day. :-) It's not 5 jobs, but it's something, and I'm happy about it.

2) The kitchen is still unclean.

3) So is the bathroom.

4) Collin and I finally had our "come-to-jesus" talk about our relationship. I feel much better about it actually. It's been really hard getting advice from people that doesn't jive with how our relationship works. We have a special bond, and it's difficult to understand. He's dating someone else, and now I know who it is, and I feel better about it, actually. I don't know why. But I do. I have too much to worry about anyway. Oh, and I bought a ticket to go visit again. This will be interesting. I had to schedule it around his new love interest's availability. Yes. Interesting.

5) I took another entire car load to the Salvation Army (SCORE) and put all my stuff up for sale. So far I've sold three bookshelves and my DVD player. It's a start.

6) I might not get to yoga today. Or maybe I'll do some yoga before bed.

Day Twenty-Three: Sort of.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is highly annoying since I actually have to stay late at work today so I don't have to go in until 10:30. So basically, I have the equivalent of almost an entire workday to stress about the move. On the other hand, I currently have 13 tabs open in my browser which each reflect a job opportunity I've found in the past hour. And since finding a job is a full-time job, I figure I'm only now starting to put in the appropriate amount of work. It's really overwhelming to think about all these jobs. I am very bad at failure.

Side note:
I heard an interesting talk the other day, actually, about modern students. This generation of college students (particularly at Emory, but I'm sure it's reflected other places as well) has been raised by parents who see as their parenting goals:

1) to structure their children's lives excessively to prepare them for college (leaving them unable to structure their own lives during and afterwards),

2) to protect their children from failure and any negative consequences of their actions, and

3) to be their children's best friends.

As a "childless" woman, of course, I would never *dare* to criticize anyone else's childrearing choices, but this seems shortsighted to me.

So getting back to my own problems, I am just overwhelmed at all the failure I'm signing myself up for, which is actually very exciting for me, since this will really be the first time I've gone "all in," so to speak, with my career. I'm feeling enthusiastic and terrified. It's a weird combination. I just hope I'm not getting an ulcer (although I think that's probably in vain).

In other news, I've been sad this morning about Collin. Not about the break-up, because Lord knows if he wants out of the relationship, I want him out, too. I just really miss him. Looking back on our short, sweet relationship, I realize that it was actually my first *adult* relationship in many ways. It was a relationship I wanted, pursued, nurtured, and worked to maintain. It feels nice to know I can do it.

What I find endlessly entertaining and heartbreaking is that several times he has told me that he wants to be in a relationship with the Charity I was before. Leaving aside my confused observation that I am actually the same person, I can't help but think that's strange and very sad, since at the time we were together before, I was emotionally closed as tightly as a fist around the blind love I had for two unattainable people (one emotionally dead, the other physically dead), and (probably as a result) abusing drugs and alcohol and in all honesty, dead-end relationships.

I'm 100% sure I'd rather be the Charity I am today. But I still miss Collin.

Day Nineteen: Warning Signs.

I am pleased to announce that I have now applied for fourteen jobs in SF! I also found out that another of my friends is pregnant. Love is all around!

Today has been very emotional. I probably need my medicine but in all honesty, I think it's mostly because MY LIFE IS IN UPHEAVAL RIGHT NOW. It would be weirder if I was all "la-di-da-the world is covered in roses and happy puppies!"


I have hardly spoken with Collin all weekend and I'm having to face the fact that he doesn't want a long distance relationship and this has become a long distance relationship. It's very scary to think about that, but at least he prepared me by basically telling me before he even moved that I was going to be on my own during the move. I can't say that he ever mislead me but it's still very sad for me, since I love him so much. To me it seems weird, since he only moved to SF on the 8th, and I last saw him on the 13th and it's only the 20th, but the fact that he's playing the LDR card this early is really a telling sign. I've made the mistake of overanalyzing things in the past, but I don't think that's the case here, since I'm just listening to the words he's saying.

Anyway, so I'm still excited about the move, but I can't say I'm quite as optimistic about it. At least I'm no longer in any real hurry.

Day Seventeen: Day is Done, Gone the Sun...

I'm really excited about my web design class tomorrow. I'm hoping to learn a bunch of stuff, or at least to learn some of the basics that I have skipped. The curse of being curious, stubborn, and intelligent is that one is sometimes able to figure things out without actually learning "the basics." I'm hoping that this class will at least fill in the basics-gaps.

In other web news, I was experimenting with Fotomoto for selling my photos on my website, and Collin was sweet enough to buy a photo from me (!), but I decided to try SmugMug also. I was able to customize my site's name (charitycrabtree.smugmug.com) and the look of the site, too! I'm very happy with it, but I haven't decided whether or not to invest in an account there. It's fun just to see it and think of the possibilities.

In other non-web news, my brother sent a photo to me today of my beautiful niece Harper wearing one of the onesies I embroidered for her! He called the photo Hula Girl. I love it.

LOVEly. I mean, how is it possible for so much beauty and miraculousness to occupy such a small part of the world?!

So now I'm really really tired and my apartment is still a mess, although I did sell two books on Amazon and, you know, set up a photography website (charitycrabtree.smugmug.com, did I tell you?), and I actually lost a couple of pounds last night, somehow. :-) Anyway, I am not down about it. I just know now that I need to make a to-do list for Sunday and stick to it.

I'll be going out with Yael for lunch on Sunday (YAY!) but I think that will be a good way to divide up the day between chilling out (AM) and working (PM). I need to write emails to the people I know in SF and that area, and try to set up some informational interviews. Plus, that will give me an excuse to buy another ticket to SF (where I'll get some good Collin-snuggle-time, I'm pretty sure)!

Speaking of Collin, apparently he gets free beer and pizza and bacon cheeseburgers at work, which is another reason for me to get out there ASAP. If I don't, there is apparently a very good chance that he will have a heart attack or gain 300 pounds. Or BOTH.

Ok, well, it's time for me to tuck into bed with my sweet Sambo, who patiently awaits...

Days Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, and Fifteen: What was that again?!

Ok, so let me see if I can do a recap of all the recent insanity. I can't promise it will be short, and I can't promise it will be sweet, but I can promise that it will be true. Sometimes that's the best you can hope for, I think.

Days Nine and Ten (2/10-11):


Collin at Blue Danube my first afternoon in San Francisco.
OK, in my last entry, I described Day Ten instead of Day Nine. Oops. So you already know about Day Ten. Let me explain though, that Day Nine was basically a non-event. I know this mostly because I don't remember anything that happened that day. Let me check my Twitter feed to be sure.

Apparently I watched Intervention and did little else. That seems about right.

Anyway, here are some photos from Day Ten:


Just so you know.


I wait for the bus.

Day Eleven (2/12):

This was the day Collin and I set out with high hopes to see the city. Let's see, we started out by getting breakfast at Blue Danube again, which was great. Then we went to ride the cable car but the line was obscene. So I met an interesting man, who was collecting money in his huge bucket, to whom Collin said "I don't care how big your bucket is, man, I'm not giving you any money," after taking his photo with me. Our budding friendship was unfortunately doomed to fail, clearly.


Me and the man with the big bucket. I could say something about my big cans but I'll resist. Except I just said it.

We walked up to Union Square and sat for a minute.


Collin took some photos in Union Square...


... and I took some photos of Collin taking some photos in Union Square.

We considered taking a tourist bus (I like doing that because it gets all the touristy stuff OUT OF THE WAY so you can just enjoy being in the city) but decided we didn't have time, since we were meeting Collin's brother for dinner later, so we just went shoe-shopping. My lovely new work shoes are apparently not the best shoes for walking around the hills of San Fran. However, my super cool new shoes ARE the best. They are incredibly light -- they are basically like tires for my feet, which makes sense, since they are made by Jeep. I know, weird.


Collin waits for the bus.


Collin and I ride on the bus. I have new shoes!


Collin's birthday beverage from Starbucks: a venti mocha something frappuccino something or other.

Dinner with Collin's brother was superb, other than the fact that it made me terribly sick the next day. I truly believe that at some point I will take my milk allergy seriously, but at this point in my life, I just want Fettuccine Alfredo too hard. But I love Collin's brother, Dane (I actually love all three of Collin's brothers, but Dane *is* the only one I've seen in a plastic crab bib, so I can't say that he doesn't have a huge advantage, because he clearly does).

Day Twelve (2/13):

The day started wonderfully with a nice walk and a visit to the park.


Nice effort. And nice shoes.


Collin didn't get his knees all the way up but his bench was steeper so it's ok.

Slowly but surely Collin and I made it out of the neighborhood and over to the airport. We didn't really have time to eat on the way there, like we'd hoped, so we ate at the airport. Yech. Plus sad.


Airport meal: my last in San Francisco unfortunately. At least the beer was good! And the company.

What was really sad was the pathetic quesadilla with "chips" I had in the LA airport. Luckily I also had two $12 margaritas and met some fun people from Atlanta who were on their way to HAWAII, so my layover actually turned out to be pretty sweet.


Generous helping of FOUR tortilla chips.


My new shoes/tires. Waiting for my connection in LA.

My flight to Atlanta didn't get in until after midnight. In order to preserve the sanctity of Day Twelve, I'm going to end by saying that my flight landed safely, and there was not one screaming child on the plane. Awesome.


I love San Francisco.

Day Thirteen (2/14):

I'm not going to lie. This was the worse start to Valentine's Day EVER. That's really saying something, since I am finally in a healthy relationship on a Valentine's Day and have suffered through more than my fair share of pitiful or pathetic or psychotic (or more frequently all three at once) V Days. But this was way worse than crying myself to sleep the night before and just waking up with puffy eyes...

Picture this: You're super tired. It's super late, and you've just paid way too much for less than 72 hours of parking. It's Valentine's Day, and you've just returned to a lame-duck hometown from an amazing weekend with the love of your life in a breathtakingly beautiful city and are slightly freaking out about having to figure out a way to get out there as soon as possible, and STAY out there. You walk into the parking garage assuming you will be able to find your way to the economy lot ("economy" = REALLY bad sign in this case) only to find yourself in a dark parking garage surrounded by empty cars with no idea where you are going. You know the direction of your car, so you head that way, only to find yourself standing on a service road on the other side of a chainlink fence, looking into the massive parking lot containing your car and realizing that the rows start in the teens and you will have to walk to row FORTY-FIVE. So obviously you burst into tears. Then a security truck pulls up and a woman looks at you like you're crazy when you flag her down and tells you she will call you someone to meet you here and help you instead of just helping you herself. Miracle of miracles: you look up and see the path you missed 15 minutes ago and sobbing, wave away the useless security truck. You finally get back on the path and begin the hike to your car. You get to your row and see your car right where you left it. Only you realize when you get there that this is not your car. In fact, it's a different make, model, and COLOR and has none of the distinguishing characteristics of your car. You look down the row as you keep walking and although you're approaching the end of the row, you don't see it. You start sobbing again and then finally see your car. You get to your car, still having seen NOT ONE PERSON other than the security guard, get in, realize how thirsty you are, and down the remnants of a Lime Lacroix that has been in your car more than 72 hours and start trying to stifle your sobbing. You finally get to the exit and after inserting ticket, wait while TWO other cars approach, insert tickets, and drive off, and then FINALLY the gate goes up and you begin the 30 minute journey home. You arrive at home in time to get to bed just before 1:30 am and wake up in 6 hours to go to work. Terrific.

The good news is that Collin's stepmom called me at work and took me out to lunch. She had driven in from Athens, so she got a little lost, but we had a great conversation! Of course, my lunch hour turned out to be lunch hours, so I had to stay late for work. I went home and collapsed. What a day. Crikey.


Mad and me after lunch.

Day Fourteen (2/15):

On the other hand, this was the BEST start to the day after Valentine's Day EVER. My niece was born! She is amazingly beautiful and I am totally in love. This day was basically spent sighing, giggling, and crying. What a miracle. It really puts things in perspective for me. Life is beautiful.


Harper Eliah Crabtree

Day Fifteen (2/16):

Ok, back to business day! I met with a friend of mine who gave me some GREAT advice about setting up informational interviews in San Francisco with some folks I know (and others). She also told me about her web design business, which is crazy fortuitous. She has built her business up in the way I wanted to, following advice that I have read and received and it has worked! She doesn't rely on it for her sole source of income (yet) but in the meantime is building up her skill set and having fun doing it! It was inspiring and very motivating. Yay!

I was supposed to go out with another friend for dinner but that didn't work out so instead, I went to visit one of Collin's other brothers (he lives like 3 blocks from my friend, which I realized when I dropped her off) and we had a very nice evening. We ate dinner together (PIZZA!) and talked, and played with Devon, Collin's amazing nephew. What a charmer. I love him. He asked about "Uncka Collin" which was very precious, and then spent about 15 minutes flipping through the photos on my phone. He has been working on double-tapping to open photos and zoom, etc., so he kept stabbing my phone with his tiny fingers saying "Tap-TAP!!" Adorable.


The Van Dyck-Scott family (Michelle, Chris, and Devon)!

So then I went home and talked to Collin and now he's terrified that I'm baby crazy. But seriously! How can I NOT BE?!?!


Yeah, you like my OUTFIT!

Day Nine: Check.

So yesterday I got up really early and flew to San Francisco. I don't remember much of that because - miracle of miracles - I was able to sleep through much of the plane ride. I still arrived feeling tired and gross; even after I took a shower I didn't feel that much better. I'm just really dragging because of the time change. I realized that when I move, I really want to drive out here. It just feels more natural, like the wagon trains of the nineteenth century. I want to have a real grasp of just how far from home I am. On the plane ride here, it was just strange to pass over the Rocky Mountains, and the plains of Kansas and Oklahoma, and the Ozarks in Arkansas (except in reversed order, obviously). I want to really *know* how far away from home I am when I move here. I can't imagine getting off a plane and being in a new home. It just seems too surreal or something.

Anyway, so yesterday after getting here and riding in a cab with a driver who apparently has nothing left to lose in this life and taking a shower, Collin and I went out for a late lunch at Burma Superstar, which was delicious! I had samusa soup and Collin had pork curry. Apparently I really like Burmese food! Who knew?

For dinner we went out to a delicious Turkish restaurant called Troya. MMM! Apparently I also like Turkish food. The owner was there and he was a very nice man. I like meeting restaurant owners. They take such pride in their restaurants; the food and service is always better when the owner participates.

Other than eat, we also went to visit Collin's new workplace (he starts Monday!); although we planned on taking public transportation, we ended up walking much of it. It was beautiful weather but my shoes are driving me batty. Just, you know, FYI. But Yammer was great and we walked around talking to people there, who were all so friendly. He is going to have a great time there. So... I want to move more than before but I'm also afraid that my job will pale in comparison. Not that that should make me not try; I don't know why I'm so anxious about the whole job thing!

Today we've been walking around together -- I love his neighborhood! We got coffee and ate breakfast at a lovely little coffee shop around the corner. It reminds me of Java Monkey a little bit; I can see why Collin likes it. While there, I spoke by phone with my sister-in-law, who has not yet had the baby but is pursuing yogic and chinese medicinal means of moving the baby along (yesterday was the original due date, although the midwife has actually been saying the 14th for awhile now).

Overall, this weekend has been amazing so far. I really need to get on the getting-a-job bandwagon, and I plan to do so first thing Monday morning. I need to be out here. Collin and I are having an awesome time, and I am loving the atmosphere here! I would post photos, but I left my camera AND laptop at home, so please forgive me. Hopefully I'll add some later.

Day Seven: Vacation Day.

Today has been strange. I took Collin to the airport today. I was supposed to go back to work, but I called in. Luckily I called before I had to drive home from the airport in tears.

On the way to the airport. Happier times.

I love Collin!!!

Collin has since texted me photos of the San Francisco airport. It's time for me to get to job-hunting!

I'm looking forward to the immediate future, when I can get a plan for duck-rowing, and then finally get out to SF myself.

I do think, though, that I've done enough for one day. I'm exhausted and will probably go to bed fairly soon.

Day Six: Leaving Atlanta, Post Script

Very Happy.

Very Sad.

Collin: Alright, I think I've done everything that I can. I mean, I could've done more, but...

Day Six: Leaving Atlanta.

Collin and I watched Leaving Las Vegas this weekend. Yikes. I'm glad I knew how it ended already, or it would have been torturous.

Also, Collin likes my grandmother's glasses.

How cute is he?!

Last night I got about 3 hours of sleep. It makes me feel much better about not helping Collin as much when I think of the many nights in the past week that I've gotten 3-5 hours of sleep and he's slept until noon or beyond.

He's starting to get nervous about moving out there, but neither one of us has really dealt with the fact that he's moving thousands of miles away. From me specifically, I mean. We both know that we are postponing the inevitable, but I'm still imagining staying out West when I go visit him next weekend. I'll get a job next week and be there by the end of the month.

The truth is that tomorrow night Collin will be sleeping in a different bed, and San Francisco will be his home. It's really difficult to accept that. On the other hand, talking about my own move has actually been making it more real for me, and the fact that he is going makes me talk about it frequently, so I can more easily see myself sleeping in my own different bed in the not so distant future.

Days Four and Five: Kind of a Blur.

Day Four was Saturday and Collin and I spent it together. I spent much of it working on my web page (charitycrabtree.com) and this actually continued into Day Five, which was today. We also went to Brick Store both Saturday and tonight. I have been talking on the phone with my parents quite a bit, and we spent this evening with his parents; his brother was out with us last night as well as some friends from his previous place of employment.

It's like a whirlwind. He and I are staying up most of the nights talking; I'm tired all day but it's worth it to spend time with him knowing he'll be gone in less than 36 hours.

Instead of trying to go on our last night Friday, by the way, we decided to do it when I get to San Francisco. It's made it easier to put off the thought that we will be so far apart in so little time!

Well, so Friday night we stayed at home and cooked a delicious meal together. It's one thing I will miss when he's gone.

Potato cakes, sesame green beans, and arugula salad with cranberries.

Collin and I enjoying each other as much as the dinner.

Collin loves bubble wrap. Seriously. And the oatmeal.

Contemplating the packing of the lenses in a very adorable way.

Overall it has been a good weekend. Emotional, but good. I am determined to get out there as soon as possible. I am looking forward to having my own new life! For some time I've felt like I haven't been taking advantage of my life. In some ways a it is great opportunity to have the freedom to pick up and start all over somewhere else.

And Collin says he'll take a yoga class with me in San Francisco!