Day ... No Matter.

Well, this has all been fun. Not really actually. About 27% of it was fun, 32% was more stressful than anything I've ever experienced, and 41% was more painful than anything I ever wanted to feel.

Anyway, statistics aside, I have done some more calculating (but mostly just more crying and whining and soul-searching) and decided that I am not going to go to San Francisco right now.

I still really want to, but I actually don't want to be in the same city as Collin, first of all, and second of all, if I'm going to San Francisco, and I want to get into web design, why would I go before I'm adequately trained?

Smarter people than me have been advising me over the past few weeks to consider an alternate route: Instead of running to a place and trying to piece together a life that is better than the one I have now, why not figure out what will make me happy, do that, and then see where that takes me?

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm applying for jobs in Atlanta. I'm just going to figure out how to make a life I love and then let that life unfold of its own accord.

Another decision I made is not to continue with okcupid. I'm tired of being in relationships that derail me and give me something else to worry about, because inevitably I focus all my energies on the relationship and trying to make the other person happy at the cost of ever finding out what it is I want! I wake up every day and go to a dead-end job that I don't like that has a quickly approaching expiration date anyway: I have enough to worry about for one person. I think I'll wait for someone who can support me for a change. Or just do without.

I plan to move this blog to another site and create a new blog about the journey I'm beginning now. This one doesn't have a final destination. There's something exciting and liberating about that.

Peace and blessings,
Charity :-)

Day Thirty-Still: Tripping.

My earlier SF flight has been diverted to Baltimore as of now, where I will visit with my old friends Michelle and Troy (and hopefully Susanna, Michael, and Nicholas) and try to recuperate.

I'm in a daze. I need the weekend. The good news is that while that has been happening, I've almost completely finished going through the sentimental schlock here at my homestead. Sweet.

Michelle has suggested that I expand the job search, and I'm considering doing so, although I very much do NOT want to. I'm so desperate to get a job at this point. I had no idea this process was going to be so isolating and depressing and discouraging! I mean, I know part of that was my relationship and, um, life plan falling apart, but the job search is pretty gross right now too.

I'm starting to realize that I really need to spend some time learning web and graphic design, because that's what I want to do. I wanted to do it in SF and learn from the best, but Michelle (and my mom and dad) are right that it would be very difficult to do all this without a little safety net around me. And now that Collin is no longer my safety net, but instead my misery net, I am thinking there might be some truth in that. At least I can save up some money first. Or get trained. Or something. I don't know. What was the question?

Day Thirty: Committed.

So remember how I said I had gotten two rejections for my job applications? Yeah, I've still only been rejected for two jobs. Except today I got another rejection. For one of those same two positions. Hey, guess what guys? I got the memo. Thanks. It's funny because when I applied to graduate school at Berkeley I also got two rejection letters. Love that. Anyway, I haven't heard from any of the other 35+ companies.

This has been a real emotional growth spurt. I've gotten through hard times before. These growing pains, too, shall pass, and I will be even stronger and happier someday soon.

Anyway, I've applied for tons of jobs and taken a very hot bath. Please, God, let me sleep tonight. I'm so so tired.

Day Thirty: Whirlwind.

This has been an incredibly emotional day. The good news is that I applied for ten jobs. I feel great. Now if only I could get some sleep tonight.

Day Twenty-Nine: Reframe.

I see that the challenge is to funnel all this fear and frustration and disappointment into determination to keep on going, and I will keep on going. I will not give up on myself.

Day Twenty-Nine: Letting Go.

Yesterday was intense.

Why is it so difficult for me to let go of bad habits and thoughts and feelings when I can let myself go so easily?

When my eighth grade teacher Mr. Hill told me flippantly one day after giving me detention for no reason, "Life's not fair, Charity," I had no idea how profound this statement actually is.

I have worked so hard for so long but when you get right down to it, that just doesn't matter. The right person has to just happen to see your resume in the stack of 300, you have to be in the right place at the right time (in your life) to meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with, you have to have the right people give you the right advice on career paths and major life decisions, and lately it just seems that if you work as hard as you possibly can and are as good a person as you can possibly be, you won't see a return on your investment without an amazing amount of luck. And I am very unlucky.

This journey I'm taking has been very exciting but also very lonely and very difficult. I appreciate that it is making me a better person but at some point I'd also like to feel job security and relationship stability too. I'd like to be able to count on something in my life.

I do enjoy being by myself, and I do think I'm a compassionate and hard-working person, but sometimes it's very hard to be so alone and feel so invisible.

Ok, I have to go pack boxes and move, because of course my office is moving this week. Why wouldn't we be?

Days Twenty-Seven and Twenty-Eight: Blurry.

I'm getting so tired. I'm trying not to be discouraged about the job search, and I know that eventually all will come to fruition, but I'm tired. It's getting difficult to come home from work every day and then sit in front of the computer even longer sending letters to people begging them to hire me, afraid they will never even see them. Since I first got those 2 rejection emails, I have heard NOTHING from ANYWHERE. I've applied to over 25 places by now, too. It's exasperating.

My eyes are blurry because I'm so tired, my days are blurry because they are going so fast and I'm working through from wake-up to night-night. I couldn't remember my PIN today at the grocery store and even typed in my phone number wrong.

I don't mean to complain; I know this is part of the process, and I'm no better than anyone else who has to go through this. It's really been humbling, actually. But I'm tired. And I want to go home. Wherever that will be when this is all over.

In other news, I took a lot of pictures recently of all the sorting, and I'm going to post them when I finally get around to it. In the meantime, here's a little photo of the most beautiful niece in the universe wearing a onesie I appliquéd for her, sleeping like I wish I could again.

I can't believe I used to have time to craft...

Day Twenty-Six: Sorting.

Sorting.

I had brunch with a friend from graduate school this morning. It was sad because we are both in a [throws up hands in the air and sighs dramatically] moment of our lives, trying to do the best we can, but it was really nice to know that I'm not the only one here.

I have picked out my 5 jobs for today and I'm excited to apply for them. Also, Mad (Collin's stepmom) is coming into town so I have a dinner date! Nice. :-)

I still have that sorting to do though. For a concept so simple, sorting is incredibly intense and important.

Also, there is loud noise outside and it is coming from a big orange truck parked in my parking place. Grr. But what a lovely day. :-)

Day Twenty-Five: Heck Yeah, Buddy!

1) Well, I applied for two jobs at Berkeley that both look AWESOME. Like, I could do them, and I would love to do them. Those are jobs I would look forward to every day. :-) It's not 5 jobs, but it's something, and I'm happy about it.

2) The kitchen is still unclean.

3) So is the bathroom.

4) Collin and I finally had our "come-to-jesus" talk about our relationship. I feel much better about it actually. It's been really hard getting advice from people that doesn't jive with how our relationship works. We have a special bond, and it's difficult to understand. He's dating someone else, and now I know who it is, and I feel better about it, actually. I don't know why. But I do. I have too much to worry about anyway. Oh, and I bought a ticket to go visit again. This will be interesting. I had to schedule it around his new love interest's availability. Yes. Interesting.

5) I took another entire car load to the Salvation Army (SCORE) and put all my stuff up for sale. So far I've sold three bookshelves and my DVD player. It's a start.

6) I might not get to yoga today. Or maybe I'll do some yoga before bed.

Day Twenty-Five: Update.

Wanted to do a midday update to keep me on my toes.

1) I have not applied for any jobs yet. I have relegated that odious task for when the beautiful sun sets behind Atlanta's beautiful skyline. I have, however, looked at the employment website at UC Berkeley and apartments around that area. They are much more affordable. Berkeley or Oakland might be a good place to start/stay/finish.

2) I have taken out my trash and recyclables, and I washed my dishes yesterday. I still have not "cleaned" my kitchen though.

3) I have not cleaned my bathroom, but I did go buy toilet paper and take a shower!

4) I cancelled with Collin's mother and sister-in-law. Too raw.

5) I bought trash bags AND filled four of them with stuffs. Then I took the bags along with some non-bagables to the Salvation Army! I've almost got the furniture I'm going to sell on Craig's List dug out enough to sell!

6) I have not yet done yoga.

Well, it's a good start! Another thing I'm worrying about now is the car. My mom advised me not to worry about all the things that I have to worry about, especially not at once. Just figure them out when they get here. I think if I had one thing settled, though, I'd feel a lot better. I just keep looking for things to get settled, and nothing ever does. Ack.

Day Twenty-Five: Alive.

Well, I'm just going to be upfront about it. I heard from Collin and we decided to try to be friends but in our Skype call last night he told me he's already started seeing other people. I feel like I've been gut-shot.

But this isn't about Collin, this is about me. I must maintain focus on my own journey.

So today I have an agenda.

1) I will apply for at least 5 jobs.

2) I will clean my kitchen.

3) I will clean my bathroom.

4) I will go to birthday tea with Collin's mother and sister-in-law (yes, it will be awkward), and I will try not to be a basketcase.

5) At this point I have so much stuff quarantined to be taken to the Salvation Army that I'm thinking of calling a truck. However, if I can get to the store and buy some garbage bags I might be able to take a load over there this afternoon.

Whoa! I better get started.

6) I better add yoga to the list.

I haven't heard back from the acupuncturist, which I think is odd. Must remember to call him Monday or call someone else. I'm needing some needling.

Day Twenty-Four: Already.

Yikes. Time moves like the dickens! Or, the Dickens. I don't know.

I can't believe it's been almost a month. Let me see what I've done.

1) I've lost six pounds. Excellent.

2) I've sorted through a bunch of junk, but I haven't taken the donations to the Salvation Army or put the sellables on Craig's List. Oh well.

3) I've gone to visit SF for the first time and fallen in love with it.

4) I've done my taxes (it is incredible to me that I've done my taxes before March this year. This is the first time I've done them before April, as far as I recall). Awesome.

5) I've really gotten my website into good shape I think.

6) I've applied for probably 20 jobs, most of those in the last 6 days, actually. I've also sent emails to several contacts I have and gotten promising leads from at least one of them.

7) I've gotten closer to Collin's family although he's gotten further (and farther) away from me (yes, it's weird).

I'm excited to see what's in store for me in the near future. I'm really impatient to get to SF but I think I'm doing ok with the process so far.

I did send in my rent check today for March and think I should tell my landlord I'm moving... But when am I moving? Who knows. I'm amazed at how well I'm dealing with all this uncertainty.

Wow, you might be saying, because you're not dealing with it well at all. Exactly. What if I hadn't been dealing with it "well" then?

Our volunteer at work (we often work together, just me and her, since she often comes in when no one else is there) told me she was worried about me today, and then she gave me a really solid hug.

I'll be ok.

Day Twenty-Three: TGIT.

I decided to take the night off from job applications after staying until 7:30 at work. I attended a very nice event sponsored by the Emory Center for Women, and was able to reconnect with several people I hadn't seen in some time. I'm beat though, and ready for bed.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. It's times like these when I wish I had a wife to encourage me and do my laundry. Speaking of gender, I'm watching Victor/Victoria right now. Very interesting. But not really enjoyable. I'll probably quit watching it soon. I mean seriously, Julie Andrews as a man? Not at all. Maybe I've just been to too many drag shows to be fooled by this nonsense.

I do have (what I think is) a really important question, though:

To what extent must someone stop seeing the family of an ex when his family is awesome? I only dated Collin for a few months, but long enough to develop relationships with his family. And why should we be forced to break up, too? You know? Especially when they are all here and he is thousands of miles away? I'm really dealing with this now. Help.

Day Twenty-Three: Sort of.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is highly annoying since I actually have to stay late at work today so I don't have to go in until 10:30. So basically, I have the equivalent of almost an entire workday to stress about the move. On the other hand, I currently have 13 tabs open in my browser which each reflect a job opportunity I've found in the past hour. And since finding a job is a full-time job, I figure I'm only now starting to put in the appropriate amount of work. It's really overwhelming to think about all these jobs. I am very bad at failure.

Side note:
I heard an interesting talk the other day, actually, about modern students. This generation of college students (particularly at Emory, but I'm sure it's reflected other places as well) has been raised by parents who see as their parenting goals:

1) to structure their children's lives excessively to prepare them for college (leaving them unable to structure their own lives during and afterwards),

2) to protect their children from failure and any negative consequences of their actions, and

3) to be their children's best friends.

As a "childless" woman, of course, I would never *dare* to criticize anyone else's childrearing choices, but this seems shortsighted to me.

So getting back to my own problems, I am just overwhelmed at all the failure I'm signing myself up for, which is actually very exciting for me, since this will really be the first time I've gone "all in," so to speak, with my career. I'm feeling enthusiastic and terrified. It's a weird combination. I just hope I'm not getting an ulcer (although I think that's probably in vain).

In other news, I've been sad this morning about Collin. Not about the break-up, because Lord knows if he wants out of the relationship, I want him out, too. I just really miss him. Looking back on our short, sweet relationship, I realize that it was actually my first *adult* relationship in many ways. It was a relationship I wanted, pursued, nurtured, and worked to maintain. It feels nice to know I can do it.

What I find endlessly entertaining and heartbreaking is that several times he has told me that he wants to be in a relationship with the Charity I was before. Leaving aside my confused observation that I am actually the same person, I can't help but think that's strange and very sad, since at the time we were together before, I was emotionally closed as tightly as a fist around the blind love I had for two unattainable people (one emotionally dead, the other physically dead), and (probably as a result) abusing drugs and alcohol and in all honesty, dead-end relationships.

I'm 100% sure I'd rather be the Charity I am today. But I still miss Collin.

Day Twenty-Two: Feeling Groovy!

I've gotten lots of advice today about my job hunt. This has been very exciting. The bad news is that I really do need to update my resume (and tailor the resume to EACH JOB I apply for, which will not be quick or easy). The good news is that my supervisor is giving me a letter of recommendation to include with all my applications!

I have seven more jobs to apply for tonight, in addition to re-applying for five jobs that I really want, and where the HR person gave me some of that very valuable advice (see above). I'm so glad I called her, because she was very pleasant and helpful and my applications are going to be way stronger now.

This will be so much better than cleaning tonight. :-)

Ooh! And I made an appointment to see an acupuncturist. Next week is going to be GLORIOUS!

Day Twenty-Two: That Was Easy.

Well, I didn't get a job (yet) but I did finally wake up early enough to start my day with yoga! I feel ok -- I think it will take a while before it makes me feel great again. For now, I'm complainy and sore. But the immediate payoff was that I got to spend time with my cats, take a long luxurious shower, and I was actually on time for work. Not too shabby start to a day!

Of course, the reason I woke up in time to do all that was because I was having really gross and really frustrating and awful anxiety dreams, but c'est la vie. I think I had too much honey badger before bed...



Oh and by the way, I've lost 5 pounds! :-)

I spoke with Mom and Daddy last night on the phone about all the craziness in my life and they were very supportive and encouraging. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I'm really lucky. Even my brother checked in with me over email, despite having a brand new little baby at home.

Oh! And I did my taxes and will get a $600 refund! I'm considering a) buying a camera, or b) getting a bunch of acupuncture. My chi is all out of whack and I think both things would help tremendously with that. Maybe I'll buy a used camera and spring for 1 or 2 sessions of acupuncture. Sweet relief. Oooh, and a massage!

Things are looking up!

(I just got another job-rejection email by the way. But that's ok.)

Day Twenty-One: In Recovery.

I received my first job rejection email from San Francisco today. I didn't want the job, actually, so I'm trying not to "catastrophize" (which is therapy speak for "blow things out of proportion").

My fortune from Doc Chey's today was "You have to work for what you want." Randy Pausch said in his last lecture that "the brick wall is only there to make you prove how much you want what's on the other side."

I think I'm ok, because I really want what's on the other side of this wall: a true room of my own, in the Virginia Woolf sense of the phrase.

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself. (Virginia Woolf)

In similar news, I updated my SmugMug site! I'm trying out the SmugMug Pro account and I think I might keep it. I really like my site. I especially like the way my blog, webpage, and SmugMug site complement each other.

Day Twenty: Are You There God? It's Me, Charity.

The good news is that I got my medicine finally.

The bad news is that it cost $81.

The meh news is that I was able to use my HSA funds, so at least my checking account remains unmolested one more day.

The great news is that I have a really good chance of not crying myself to sleep for at least another month. :-)

The different and fabulous news is that I am feeling much more optimistic today. Yesterday I applied for 9 jobs, I ate relatively well (the pizza I ate half of was actually a small pizza, so it's not all that bad), I only drank one beer, and I got a lot of sorting-of-junk done. I also had lunch with a dear friend and I spoke on the phone for 45 minutes with another dear friend. If I can make that much progress, even every other day, I think I'm well on my way to my very own SF life. Regardless of how many more Eeyore/Coldplay days I have.

Day Nineteen: Warning Signs.

I am pleased to announce that I have now applied for fourteen jobs in SF! I also found out that another of my friends is pregnant. Love is all around!

Today has been very emotional. I probably need my medicine but in all honesty, I think it's mostly because MY LIFE IS IN UPHEAVAL RIGHT NOW. It would be weirder if I was all "la-di-da-the world is covered in roses and happy puppies!"


I have hardly spoken with Collin all weekend and I'm having to face the fact that he doesn't want a long distance relationship and this has become a long distance relationship. It's very scary to think about that, but at least he prepared me by basically telling me before he even moved that I was going to be on my own during the move. I can't say that he ever mislead me but it's still very sad for me, since I love him so much. To me it seems weird, since he only moved to SF on the 8th, and I last saw him on the 13th and it's only the 20th, but the fact that he's playing the LDR card this early is really a telling sign. I've made the mistake of overanalyzing things in the past, but I don't think that's the case here, since I'm just listening to the words he's saying.

Anyway, so I'm still excited about the move, but I can't say I'm quite as optimistic about it. At least I'm no longer in any real hurry.

Day Eighteen: Ouch.

Please tolerate me for a moment:

I have cramps today.
My web design class was disappointing and when I came home I promptly messed up my website severely and apparently irreparably.
One of my articles of clothing today smelled like cat pee, which I realized as soon as I had been in class long enough for my clothes to warm up, so about every five minutes I was reminded of how much my life is spinning out of control.
Collin told me some guy was hitting on him all night last night at the bar. Where apparently he got really drunk, and he tweeted that SF has awesome live music.
I ran out of medicine and have been crying a lot.
I feel unappealing and gross.
I ate another bag of Pirate's Booty for dinner (which I also did last night) so I feel malnourished, overly full, and humiliated.

I don't like posting entries like this, but I don't know what else to say when I feel this crappy.

It's 7 pm. Is it too early for bed?