Day ... No Matter.

Well, this has all been fun. Not really actually. About 27% of it was fun, 32% was more stressful than anything I've ever experienced, and 41% was more painful than anything I ever wanted to feel.

Anyway, statistics aside, I have done some more calculating (but mostly just more crying and whining and soul-searching) and decided that I am not going to go to San Francisco right now.

I still really want to, but I actually don't want to be in the same city as Collin, first of all, and second of all, if I'm going to San Francisco, and I want to get into web design, why would I go before I'm adequately trained?

Smarter people than me have been advising me over the past few weeks to consider an alternate route: Instead of running to a place and trying to piece together a life that is better than the one I have now, why not figure out what will make me happy, do that, and then see where that takes me?

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm applying for jobs in Atlanta. I'm just going to figure out how to make a life I love and then let that life unfold of its own accord.

Another decision I made is not to continue with okcupid. I'm tired of being in relationships that derail me and give me something else to worry about, because inevitably I focus all my energies on the relationship and trying to make the other person happy at the cost of ever finding out what it is I want! I wake up every day and go to a dead-end job that I don't like that has a quickly approaching expiration date anyway: I have enough to worry about for one person. I think I'll wait for someone who can support me for a change. Or just do without.

I plan to move this blog to another site and create a new blog about the journey I'm beginning now. This one doesn't have a final destination. There's something exciting and liberating about that.

Peace and blessings,
Charity :-)

Day Twenty-Six: Sorting.

Sorting.

I had brunch with a friend from graduate school this morning. It was sad because we are both in a [throws up hands in the air and sighs dramatically] moment of our lives, trying to do the best we can, but it was really nice to know that I'm not the only one here.

I have picked out my 5 jobs for today and I'm excited to apply for them. Also, Mad (Collin's stepmom) is coming into town so I have a dinner date! Nice. :-)

I still have that sorting to do though. For a concept so simple, sorting is incredibly intense and important.

Also, there is loud noise outside and it is coming from a big orange truck parked in my parking place. Grr. But what a lovely day. :-)

Day Twenty-Five: Heck Yeah, Buddy!

1) Well, I applied for two jobs at Berkeley that both look AWESOME. Like, I could do them, and I would love to do them. Those are jobs I would look forward to every day. :-) It's not 5 jobs, but it's something, and I'm happy about it.

2) The kitchen is still unclean.

3) So is the bathroom.

4) Collin and I finally had our "come-to-jesus" talk about our relationship. I feel much better about it actually. It's been really hard getting advice from people that doesn't jive with how our relationship works. We have a special bond, and it's difficult to understand. He's dating someone else, and now I know who it is, and I feel better about it, actually. I don't know why. But I do. I have too much to worry about anyway. Oh, and I bought a ticket to go visit again. This will be interesting. I had to schedule it around his new love interest's availability. Yes. Interesting.

5) I took another entire car load to the Salvation Army (SCORE) and put all my stuff up for sale. So far I've sold three bookshelves and my DVD player. It's a start.

6) I might not get to yoga today. Or maybe I'll do some yoga before bed.

Day Twenty-Two: That Was Easy.

Well, I didn't get a job (yet) but I did finally wake up early enough to start my day with yoga! I feel ok -- I think it will take a while before it makes me feel great again. For now, I'm complainy and sore. But the immediate payoff was that I got to spend time with my cats, take a long luxurious shower, and I was actually on time for work. Not too shabby start to a day!

Of course, the reason I woke up in time to do all that was because I was having really gross and really frustrating and awful anxiety dreams, but c'est la vie. I think I had too much honey badger before bed...



Oh and by the way, I've lost 5 pounds! :-)

I spoke with Mom and Daddy last night on the phone about all the craziness in my life and they were very supportive and encouraging. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I'm really lucky. Even my brother checked in with me over email, despite having a brand new little baby at home.

Oh! And I did my taxes and will get a $600 refund! I'm considering a) buying a camera, or b) getting a bunch of acupuncture. My chi is all out of whack and I think both things would help tremendously with that. Maybe I'll buy a used camera and spring for 1 or 2 sessions of acupuncture. Sweet relief. Oooh, and a massage!

Things are looking up!

(I just got another job-rejection email by the way. But that's ok.)

Day Twenty: Are You There God? It's Me, Charity.

The good news is that I got my medicine finally.

The bad news is that it cost $81.

The meh news is that I was able to use my HSA funds, so at least my checking account remains unmolested one more day.

The great news is that I have a really good chance of not crying myself to sleep for at least another month. :-)

The different and fabulous news is that I am feeling much more optimistic today. Yesterday I applied for 9 jobs, I ate relatively well (the pizza I ate half of was actually a small pizza, so it's not all that bad), I only drank one beer, and I got a lot of sorting-of-junk done. I also had lunch with a dear friend and I spoke on the phone for 45 minutes with another dear friend. If I can make that much progress, even every other day, I think I'm well on my way to my very own SF life. Regardless of how many more Eeyore/Coldplay days I have.