Day Thirty-?: ?

I just got an email from my mom informing me that despite what she said earlier, she would not be loaning me the money to help cover moving costs to San Francisco. Melodramatic moment: everything I counted on has failed me, and nothing I've worked hard on has come to fruition. I just don't see how this can possibly happen anymore, which really breaks my heart. I need a new start because I literally cannot stay here any longer, nor would I want to. I feel like any number of people are trying to give me "tough love" but at this point I would just like a little compassion and understanding. I feel so discouraged right now. Also, I know Collin is on a date tonight, which does not help at all. I'm supposed to go visit next week but at this point I just can't even think about it. At least I've had no trouble losing weight, although it hasn't been terribly healthy I guess. But I'm saving on food costs: I still eat regularly of course, I just don't have much of an appetite anymore, so I don't eat much.

I wish things weren't so bleak lately, but it is what it is. I feel like my whole life is a deep wound right now, and I'll just have to wait until it heals. And hope it does.

Day Thirty: Committed.

So remember how I said I had gotten two rejections for my job applications? Yeah, I've still only been rejected for two jobs. Except today I got another rejection. For one of those same two positions. Hey, guess what guys? I got the memo. Thanks. It's funny because when I applied to graduate school at Berkeley I also got two rejection letters. Love that. Anyway, I haven't heard from any of the other 35+ companies.

This has been a real emotional growth spurt. I've gotten through hard times before. These growing pains, too, shall pass, and I will be even stronger and happier someday soon.

Anyway, I've applied for tons of jobs and taken a very hot bath. Please, God, let me sleep tonight. I'm so so tired.

Day Twenty-Nine: Letting Go.

Yesterday was intense.

Why is it so difficult for me to let go of bad habits and thoughts and feelings when I can let myself go so easily?

When my eighth grade teacher Mr. Hill told me flippantly one day after giving me detention for no reason, "Life's not fair, Charity," I had no idea how profound this statement actually is.

I have worked so hard for so long but when you get right down to it, that just doesn't matter. The right person has to just happen to see your resume in the stack of 300, you have to be in the right place at the right time (in your life) to meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with, you have to have the right people give you the right advice on career paths and major life decisions, and lately it just seems that if you work as hard as you possibly can and are as good a person as you can possibly be, you won't see a return on your investment without an amazing amount of luck. And I am very unlucky.

This journey I'm taking has been very exciting but also very lonely and very difficult. I appreciate that it is making me a better person but at some point I'd also like to feel job security and relationship stability too. I'd like to be able to count on something in my life.

I do enjoy being by myself, and I do think I'm a compassionate and hard-working person, but sometimes it's very hard to be so alone and feel so invisible.

Ok, I have to go pack boxes and move, because of course my office is moving this week. Why wouldn't we be?

Days Twenty-Seven and Twenty-Eight: Blurry.

I'm getting so tired. I'm trying not to be discouraged about the job search, and I know that eventually all will come to fruition, but I'm tired. It's getting difficult to come home from work every day and then sit in front of the computer even longer sending letters to people begging them to hire me, afraid they will never even see them. Since I first got those 2 rejection emails, I have heard NOTHING from ANYWHERE. I've applied to over 25 places by now, too. It's exasperating.

My eyes are blurry because I'm so tired, my days are blurry because they are going so fast and I'm working through from wake-up to night-night. I couldn't remember my PIN today at the grocery store and even typed in my phone number wrong.

I don't mean to complain; I know this is part of the process, and I'm no better than anyone else who has to go through this. It's really been humbling, actually. But I'm tired. And I want to go home. Wherever that will be when this is all over.

In other news, I took a lot of pictures recently of all the sorting, and I'm going to post them when I finally get around to it. In the meantime, here's a little photo of the most beautiful niece in the universe wearing a onesie I appliquéd for her, sleeping like I wish I could again.

I can't believe I used to have time to craft...

Day Twenty-Three: Sort of.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. This is highly annoying since I actually have to stay late at work today so I don't have to go in until 10:30. So basically, I have the equivalent of almost an entire workday to stress about the move. On the other hand, I currently have 13 tabs open in my browser which each reflect a job opportunity I've found in the past hour. And since finding a job is a full-time job, I figure I'm only now starting to put in the appropriate amount of work. It's really overwhelming to think about all these jobs. I am very bad at failure.

Side note:
I heard an interesting talk the other day, actually, about modern students. This generation of college students (particularly at Emory, but I'm sure it's reflected other places as well) has been raised by parents who see as their parenting goals:

1) to structure their children's lives excessively to prepare them for college (leaving them unable to structure their own lives during and afterwards),

2) to protect their children from failure and any negative consequences of their actions, and

3) to be their children's best friends.

As a "childless" woman, of course, I would never *dare* to criticize anyone else's childrearing choices, but this seems shortsighted to me.

So getting back to my own problems, I am just overwhelmed at all the failure I'm signing myself up for, which is actually very exciting for me, since this will really be the first time I've gone "all in," so to speak, with my career. I'm feeling enthusiastic and terrified. It's a weird combination. I just hope I'm not getting an ulcer (although I think that's probably in vain).

In other news, I've been sad this morning about Collin. Not about the break-up, because Lord knows if he wants out of the relationship, I want him out, too. I just really miss him. Looking back on our short, sweet relationship, I realize that it was actually my first *adult* relationship in many ways. It was a relationship I wanted, pursued, nurtured, and worked to maintain. It feels nice to know I can do it.

What I find endlessly entertaining and heartbreaking is that several times he has told me that he wants to be in a relationship with the Charity I was before. Leaving aside my confused observation that I am actually the same person, I can't help but think that's strange and very sad, since at the time we were together before, I was emotionally closed as tightly as a fist around the blind love I had for two unattainable people (one emotionally dead, the other physically dead), and (probably as a result) abusing drugs and alcohol and in all honesty, dead-end relationships.

I'm 100% sure I'd rather be the Charity I am today. But I still miss Collin.