Day Thirty: Post Script.

I do/did not want this to become a break-up blog, really, but I feel trapped here. Two weeks ago I felt like my new life was beginning, and that I had finally gotten out of my twenty-odd year dating slump and gotten involved with someone stable, silly, sweet, and sexy who loved me for me! I didn't have a job yet but I knew that no matter what happened I had a friend.

Now, less than two weeks later, that friend told me over chat that he doesn't ever want to see me again. How can I get past this? I feel like surely no one could know how I feel right now, because I feel like surely no one could survive this heartbreak.

I know it's good in the long run because clearly he's a sociopath (long story), but it's hard for me to think about the long run when I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the night.

We're moving at work; I spent all day packing boxes and crying and dusting and coughing and asking myself Why? Why this again, God?

I feel like there's literally a hole in my heart. The Collin I knew has died over the course of this week, and has been replaced with one of the cruelest people I have ever met. I want my old Collin back so desperately but I know I'll never see him again.

Of course this makes everything about the move ten times more terrifying. I found another place to stay when I'm there next weekend (one month after my last visit - remember that one?) but I can't even think about what I want to do because I can't imagine ever being happy again.

I'm going to try to make this the last of my break-up blog entries, so I wanted to really get everything out there. My mom and others have given me strict instructions never to communicate with him, but his address is on my resume!

How have I let myself get into this position? By the time I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart, if I can even find them all, I will probably be on my deathbed. I just think it's not my lot in life to be involved in a loving partnership with another person.

I don't want to dwell on it, I just really have no motivation to do anything at all, which leaves me here. Dwelling in it.

UPDATE from 3/8/11: I'm sorry I said Collin is a sociopath. He's not. I will always love him. I was speaking out of pain and that was my mistake.

Day Thirty-?: ?

I just got an email from my mom informing me that despite what she said earlier, she would not be loaning me the money to help cover moving costs to San Francisco. Melodramatic moment: everything I counted on has failed me, and nothing I've worked hard on has come to fruition. I just don't see how this can possibly happen anymore, which really breaks my heart. I need a new start because I literally cannot stay here any longer, nor would I want to. I feel like any number of people are trying to give me "tough love" but at this point I would just like a little compassion and understanding. I feel so discouraged right now. Also, I know Collin is on a date tonight, which does not help at all. I'm supposed to go visit next week but at this point I just can't even think about it. At least I've had no trouble losing weight, although it hasn't been terribly healthy I guess. But I'm saving on food costs: I still eat regularly of course, I just don't have much of an appetite anymore, so I don't eat much.

I wish things weren't so bleak lately, but it is what it is. I feel like my whole life is a deep wound right now, and I'll just have to wait until it heals. And hope it does.