Day ... No Matter.

Well, this has all been fun. Not really actually. About 27% of it was fun, 32% was more stressful than anything I've ever experienced, and 41% was more painful than anything I ever wanted to feel.

Anyway, statistics aside, I have done some more calculating (but mostly just more crying and whining and soul-searching) and decided that I am not going to go to San Francisco right now.

I still really want to, but I actually don't want to be in the same city as Collin, first of all, and second of all, if I'm going to San Francisco, and I want to get into web design, why would I go before I'm adequately trained?

Smarter people than me have been advising me over the past few weeks to consider an alternate route: Instead of running to a place and trying to piece together a life that is better than the one I have now, why not figure out what will make me happy, do that, and then see where that takes me?

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm applying for jobs in Atlanta. I'm just going to figure out how to make a life I love and then let that life unfold of its own accord.

Another decision I made is not to continue with okcupid. I'm tired of being in relationships that derail me and give me something else to worry about, because inevitably I focus all my energies on the relationship and trying to make the other person happy at the cost of ever finding out what it is I want! I wake up every day and go to a dead-end job that I don't like that has a quickly approaching expiration date anyway: I have enough to worry about for one person. I think I'll wait for someone who can support me for a change. Or just do without.

I plan to move this blog to another site and create a new blog about the journey I'm beginning now. This one doesn't have a final destination. There's something exciting and liberating about that.

Peace and blessings,
Charity :-)

Day Thirty-One: Feeling Groovy.

Well, this morning I feel like I'm ready to hike up my skirt and pull myself up from my boot-straps or whatever. I am pretty sure I found a different space to stay, so although I'll have to pay for it, at least I won't have to see Collin. That feels really good actually.

I'm very angry with Mom right now. This is not the first time she's promised something and then been oblivious to it later. I guess part of me always thought that would be the case, especially when she started telling me not to go. It's sad for her because I AM going, and as long as she acts like this, I'm not really talking to her about it. But then again, maybe she doesn't really care after all.

All the stress and heartbreak that I felt last night has turned into FIERCE determination. Let no man nor woman stand in my way, my friends, because I am going West no matter what. This is *my* life and it's time I make it such. *I'm* the one I should be trying to impress. *I'm* the one I should be seeking approval of. *I'm* the one whom I should be depending on. And from now on, that's what I'm going to do. Everyone and everything else is just going to have to take a back seat. Indefinitely.

Also, I joined okcupid. It's pretty dumb, but there are a lot of fun quizzes, so I think I'll stay on there. It's free entertainment after all, which is really nice when I can't sleep at night. Hopefully now that I don't have to worry about staying with Collin anymore, I will be able to sleep better.

Day Thirty: Whirlwind.

This has been an incredibly emotional day. The good news is that I applied for ten jobs. I feel great. Now if only I could get some sleep tonight.

Day Twenty-Nine: Reframe.

I see that the challenge is to funnel all this fear and frustration and disappointment into determination to keep on going, and I will keep on going. I will not give up on myself.

Day Twenty-Six: Step Right Up!

Can't believe it's before 9 and I've already made brunch plans and arranged for a buyer to pick up three bookshelves. This day is starting out very productively. :-)

I'm going to do a pictorial later. Get ready to see some jaw-dropping progress in progress!!

Day Twenty-Five: Heck Yeah, Buddy!

1) Well, I applied for two jobs at Berkeley that both look AWESOME. Like, I could do them, and I would love to do them. Those are jobs I would look forward to every day. :-) It's not 5 jobs, but it's something, and I'm happy about it.

2) The kitchen is still unclean.

3) So is the bathroom.

4) Collin and I finally had our "come-to-jesus" talk about our relationship. I feel much better about it actually. It's been really hard getting advice from people that doesn't jive with how our relationship works. We have a special bond, and it's difficult to understand. He's dating someone else, and now I know who it is, and I feel better about it, actually. I don't know why. But I do. I have too much to worry about anyway. Oh, and I bought a ticket to go visit again. This will be interesting. I had to schedule it around his new love interest's availability. Yes. Interesting.

5) I took another entire car load to the Salvation Army (SCORE) and put all my stuff up for sale. So far I've sold three bookshelves and my DVD player. It's a start.

6) I might not get to yoga today. Or maybe I'll do some yoga before bed.

Day Twenty-Five: Update.

Wanted to do a midday update to keep me on my toes.

1) I have not applied for any jobs yet. I have relegated that odious task for when the beautiful sun sets behind Atlanta's beautiful skyline. I have, however, looked at the employment website at UC Berkeley and apartments around that area. They are much more affordable. Berkeley or Oakland might be a good place to start/stay/finish.

2) I have taken out my trash and recyclables, and I washed my dishes yesterday. I still have not "cleaned" my kitchen though.

3) I have not cleaned my bathroom, but I did go buy toilet paper and take a shower!

4) I cancelled with Collin's mother and sister-in-law. Too raw.

5) I bought trash bags AND filled four of them with stuffs. Then I took the bags along with some non-bagables to the Salvation Army! I've almost got the furniture I'm going to sell on Craig's List dug out enough to sell!

6) I have not yet done yoga.

Well, it's a good start! Another thing I'm worrying about now is the car. My mom advised me not to worry about all the things that I have to worry about, especially not at once. Just figure them out when they get here. I think if I had one thing settled, though, I'd feel a lot better. I just keep looking for things to get settled, and nothing ever does. Ack.

Day Twenty-Five: Alive.

Well, I'm just going to be upfront about it. I heard from Collin and we decided to try to be friends but in our Skype call last night he told me he's already started seeing other people. I feel like I've been gut-shot.

But this isn't about Collin, this is about me. I must maintain focus on my own journey.

So today I have an agenda.

1) I will apply for at least 5 jobs.

2) I will clean my kitchen.

3) I will clean my bathroom.

4) I will go to birthday tea with Collin's mother and sister-in-law (yes, it will be awkward), and I will try not to be a basketcase.

5) At this point I have so much stuff quarantined to be taken to the Salvation Army that I'm thinking of calling a truck. However, if I can get to the store and buy some garbage bags I might be able to take a load over there this afternoon.

Whoa! I better get started.

6) I better add yoga to the list.

I haven't heard back from the acupuncturist, which I think is odd. Must remember to call him Monday or call someone else. I'm needing some needling.

Day Twenty-Three: 4.5 Hours of Sleep Later.

That was awesome. I can do this.