Day Thirty: Post Script.

I do/did not want this to become a break-up blog, really, but I feel trapped here. Two weeks ago I felt like my new life was beginning, and that I had finally gotten out of my twenty-odd year dating slump and gotten involved with someone stable, silly, sweet, and sexy who loved me for me! I didn't have a job yet but I knew that no matter what happened I had a friend.

Now, less than two weeks later, that friend told me over chat that he doesn't ever want to see me again. How can I get past this? I feel like surely no one could know how I feel right now, because I feel like surely no one could survive this heartbreak.

I know it's good in the long run because clearly he's a sociopath (long story), but it's hard for me to think about the long run when I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the night.

We're moving at work; I spent all day packing boxes and crying and dusting and coughing and asking myself Why? Why this again, God?

I feel like there's literally a hole in my heart. The Collin I knew has died over the course of this week, and has been replaced with one of the cruelest people I have ever met. I want my old Collin back so desperately but I know I'll never see him again.

Of course this makes everything about the move ten times more terrifying. I found another place to stay when I'm there next weekend (one month after my last visit - remember that one?) but I can't even think about what I want to do because I can't imagine ever being happy again.

I'm going to try to make this the last of my break-up blog entries, so I wanted to really get everything out there. My mom and others have given me strict instructions never to communicate with him, but his address is on my resume!

How have I let myself get into this position? By the time I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart, if I can even find them all, I will probably be on my deathbed. I just think it's not my lot in life to be involved in a loving partnership with another person.

I don't want to dwell on it, I just really have no motivation to do anything at all, which leaves me here. Dwelling in it.

UPDATE from 3/8/11: I'm sorry I said Collin is a sociopath. He's not. I will always love him. I was speaking out of pain and that was my mistake.

Day Twenty-Nine: Letting Go.

Yesterday was intense.

Why is it so difficult for me to let go of bad habits and thoughts and feelings when I can let myself go so easily?

When my eighth grade teacher Mr. Hill told me flippantly one day after giving me detention for no reason, "Life's not fair, Charity," I had no idea how profound this statement actually is.

I have worked so hard for so long but when you get right down to it, that just doesn't matter. The right person has to just happen to see your resume in the stack of 300, you have to be in the right place at the right time (in your life) to meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with, you have to have the right people give you the right advice on career paths and major life decisions, and lately it just seems that if you work as hard as you possibly can and are as good a person as you can possibly be, you won't see a return on your investment without an amazing amount of luck. And I am very unlucky.

This journey I'm taking has been very exciting but also very lonely and very difficult. I appreciate that it is making me a better person but at some point I'd also like to feel job security and relationship stability too. I'd like to be able to count on something in my life.

I do enjoy being by myself, and I do think I'm a compassionate and hard-working person, but sometimes it's very hard to be so alone and feel so invisible.

Ok, I have to go pack boxes and move, because of course my office is moving this week. Why wouldn't we be?

Days Twenty-Seven and Twenty-Eight: Blurry.

I'm getting so tired. I'm trying not to be discouraged about the job search, and I know that eventually all will come to fruition, but I'm tired. It's getting difficult to come home from work every day and then sit in front of the computer even longer sending letters to people begging them to hire me, afraid they will never even see them. Since I first got those 2 rejection emails, I have heard NOTHING from ANYWHERE. I've applied to over 25 places by now, too. It's exasperating.

My eyes are blurry because I'm so tired, my days are blurry because they are going so fast and I'm working through from wake-up to night-night. I couldn't remember my PIN today at the grocery store and even typed in my phone number wrong.

I don't mean to complain; I know this is part of the process, and I'm no better than anyone else who has to go through this. It's really been humbling, actually. But I'm tired. And I want to go home. Wherever that will be when this is all over.

In other news, I took a lot of pictures recently of all the sorting, and I'm going to post them when I finally get around to it. In the meantime, here's a little photo of the most beautiful niece in the universe wearing a onesie I appliquéd for her, sleeping like I wish I could again.

I can't believe I used to have time to craft...

Day Twenty-Five: Alive.

Well, I'm just going to be upfront about it. I heard from Collin and we decided to try to be friends but in our Skype call last night he told me he's already started seeing other people. I feel like I've been gut-shot.

But this isn't about Collin, this is about me. I must maintain focus on my own journey.

So today I have an agenda.

1) I will apply for at least 5 jobs.

2) I will clean my kitchen.

3) I will clean my bathroom.

4) I will go to birthday tea with Collin's mother and sister-in-law (yes, it will be awkward), and I will try not to be a basketcase.

5) At this point I have so much stuff quarantined to be taken to the Salvation Army that I'm thinking of calling a truck. However, if I can get to the store and buy some garbage bags I might be able to take a load over there this afternoon.

Whoa! I better get started.

6) I better add yoga to the list.

I haven't heard back from the acupuncturist, which I think is odd. Must remember to call him Monday or call someone else. I'm needing some needling.

Day Nineteen: Warning Signs.

I am pleased to announce that I have now applied for fourteen jobs in SF! I also found out that another of my friends is pregnant. Love is all around!

Today has been very emotional. I probably need my medicine but in all honesty, I think it's mostly because MY LIFE IS IN UPHEAVAL RIGHT NOW. It would be weirder if I was all "la-di-da-the world is covered in roses and happy puppies!"


I have hardly spoken with Collin all weekend and I'm having to face the fact that he doesn't want a long distance relationship and this has become a long distance relationship. It's very scary to think about that, but at least he prepared me by basically telling me before he even moved that I was going to be on my own during the move. I can't say that he ever mislead me but it's still very sad for me, since I love him so much. To me it seems weird, since he only moved to SF on the 8th, and I last saw him on the 13th and it's only the 20th, but the fact that he's playing the LDR card this early is really a telling sign. I've made the mistake of overanalyzing things in the past, but I don't think that's the case here, since I'm just listening to the words he's saying.

Anyway, so I'm still excited about the move, but I can't say I'm quite as optimistic about it. At least I'm no longer in any real hurry.

Day Eighteen: Ouch.

Please tolerate me for a moment:

I have cramps today.
My web design class was disappointing and when I came home I promptly messed up my website severely and apparently irreparably.
One of my articles of clothing today smelled like cat pee, which I realized as soon as I had been in class long enough for my clothes to warm up, so about every five minutes I was reminded of how much my life is spinning out of control.
Collin told me some guy was hitting on him all night last night at the bar. Where apparently he got really drunk, and he tweeted that SF has awesome live music.
I ran out of medicine and have been crying a lot.
I feel unappealing and gross.
I ate another bag of Pirate's Booty for dinner (which I also did last night) so I feel malnourished, overly full, and humiliated.

I don't like posting entries like this, but I don't know what else to say when I feel this crappy.

It's 7 pm. Is it too early for bed?