Day Thirty: Post Script.

I do/did not want this to become a break-up blog, really, but I feel trapped here. Two weeks ago I felt like my new life was beginning, and that I had finally gotten out of my twenty-odd year dating slump and gotten involved with someone stable, silly, sweet, and sexy who loved me for me! I didn't have a job yet but I knew that no matter what happened I had a friend.

Now, less than two weeks later, that friend told me over chat that he doesn't ever want to see me again. How can I get past this? I feel like surely no one could know how I feel right now, because I feel like surely no one could survive this heartbreak.

I know it's good in the long run because clearly he's a sociopath (long story), but it's hard for me to think about the long run when I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the night.

We're moving at work; I spent all day packing boxes and crying and dusting and coughing and asking myself Why? Why this again, God?

I feel like there's literally a hole in my heart. The Collin I knew has died over the course of this week, and has been replaced with one of the cruelest people I have ever met. I want my old Collin back so desperately but I know I'll never see him again.

Of course this makes everything about the move ten times more terrifying. I found another place to stay when I'm there next weekend (one month after my last visit - remember that one?) but I can't even think about what I want to do because I can't imagine ever being happy again.

I'm going to try to make this the last of my break-up blog entries, so I wanted to really get everything out there. My mom and others have given me strict instructions never to communicate with him, but his address is on my resume!

How have I let myself get into this position? By the time I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart, if I can even find them all, I will probably be on my deathbed. I just think it's not my lot in life to be involved in a loving partnership with another person.

I don't want to dwell on it, I just really have no motivation to do anything at all, which leaves me here. Dwelling in it.

UPDATE from 3/8/11: I'm sorry I said Collin is a sociopath. He's not. I will always love him. I was speaking out of pain and that was my mistake.