Day ... No Matter.

Well, this has all been fun. Not really actually. About 27% of it was fun, 32% was more stressful than anything I've ever experienced, and 41% was more painful than anything I ever wanted to feel.

Anyway, statistics aside, I have done some more calculating (but mostly just more crying and whining and soul-searching) and decided that I am not going to go to San Francisco right now.

I still really want to, but I actually don't want to be in the same city as Collin, first of all, and second of all, if I'm going to San Francisco, and I want to get into web design, why would I go before I'm adequately trained?

Smarter people than me have been advising me over the past few weeks to consider an alternate route: Instead of running to a place and trying to piece together a life that is better than the one I have now, why not figure out what will make me happy, do that, and then see where that takes me?

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm applying for jobs in Atlanta. I'm just going to figure out how to make a life I love and then let that life unfold of its own accord.

Another decision I made is not to continue with okcupid. I'm tired of being in relationships that derail me and give me something else to worry about, because inevitably I focus all my energies on the relationship and trying to make the other person happy at the cost of ever finding out what it is I want! I wake up every day and go to a dead-end job that I don't like that has a quickly approaching expiration date anyway: I have enough to worry about for one person. I think I'll wait for someone who can support me for a change. Or just do without.

I plan to move this blog to another site and create a new blog about the journey I'm beginning now. This one doesn't have a final destination. There's something exciting and liberating about that.

Peace and blessings,
Charity :-)

Day Thirty-Still: Tripping.

My earlier SF flight has been diverted to Baltimore as of now, where I will visit with my old friends Michelle and Troy (and hopefully Susanna, Michael, and Nicholas) and try to recuperate.

I'm in a daze. I need the weekend. The good news is that while that has been happening, I've almost completely finished going through the sentimental schlock here at my homestead. Sweet.

Michelle has suggested that I expand the job search, and I'm considering doing so, although I very much do NOT want to. I'm so desperate to get a job at this point. I had no idea this process was going to be so isolating and depressing and discouraging! I mean, I know part of that was my relationship and, um, life plan falling apart, but the job search is pretty gross right now too.

I'm starting to realize that I really need to spend some time learning web and graphic design, because that's what I want to do. I wanted to do it in SF and learn from the best, but Michelle (and my mom and dad) are right that it would be very difficult to do all this without a little safety net around me. And now that Collin is no longer my safety net, but instead my misery net, I am thinking there might be some truth in that. At least I can save up some money first. Or get trained. Or something. I don't know. What was the question?

Day Thirty: Post Script.

I do/did not want this to become a break-up blog, really, but I feel trapped here. Two weeks ago I felt like my new life was beginning, and that I had finally gotten out of my twenty-odd year dating slump and gotten involved with someone stable, silly, sweet, and sexy who loved me for me! I didn't have a job yet but I knew that no matter what happened I had a friend.

Now, less than two weeks later, that friend told me over chat that he doesn't ever want to see me again. How can I get past this? I feel like surely no one could know how I feel right now, because I feel like surely no one could survive this heartbreak.

I know it's good in the long run because clearly he's a sociopath (long story), but it's hard for me to think about the long run when I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the night.

We're moving at work; I spent all day packing boxes and crying and dusting and coughing and asking myself Why? Why this again, God?

I feel like there's literally a hole in my heart. The Collin I knew has died over the course of this week, and has been replaced with one of the cruelest people I have ever met. I want my old Collin back so desperately but I know I'll never see him again.

Of course this makes everything about the move ten times more terrifying. I found another place to stay when I'm there next weekend (one month after my last visit - remember that one?) but I can't even think about what I want to do because I can't imagine ever being happy again.

I'm going to try to make this the last of my break-up blog entries, so I wanted to really get everything out there. My mom and others have given me strict instructions never to communicate with him, but his address is on my resume!

How have I let myself get into this position? By the time I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart, if I can even find them all, I will probably be on my deathbed. I just think it's not my lot in life to be involved in a loving partnership with another person.

I don't want to dwell on it, I just really have no motivation to do anything at all, which leaves me here. Dwelling in it.

UPDATE from 3/8/11: I'm sorry I said Collin is a sociopath. He's not. I will always love him. I was speaking out of pain and that was my mistake.

Day Thirty-One: Feeling Groovy.

Well, this morning I feel like I'm ready to hike up my skirt and pull myself up from my boot-straps or whatever. I am pretty sure I found a different space to stay, so although I'll have to pay for it, at least I won't have to see Collin. That feels really good actually.

I'm very angry with Mom right now. This is not the first time she's promised something and then been oblivious to it later. I guess part of me always thought that would be the case, especially when she started telling me not to go. It's sad for her because I AM going, and as long as she acts like this, I'm not really talking to her about it. But then again, maybe she doesn't really care after all.

All the stress and heartbreak that I felt last night has turned into FIERCE determination. Let no man nor woman stand in my way, my friends, because I am going West no matter what. This is *my* life and it's time I make it such. *I'm* the one I should be trying to impress. *I'm* the one I should be seeking approval of. *I'm* the one whom I should be depending on. And from now on, that's what I'm going to do. Everyone and everything else is just going to have to take a back seat. Indefinitely.

Also, I joined okcupid. It's pretty dumb, but there are a lot of fun quizzes, so I think I'll stay on there. It's free entertainment after all, which is really nice when I can't sleep at night. Hopefully now that I don't have to worry about staying with Collin anymore, I will be able to sleep better.

Day Thirty-?: ?

I just got an email from my mom informing me that despite what she said earlier, she would not be loaning me the money to help cover moving costs to San Francisco. Melodramatic moment: everything I counted on has failed me, and nothing I've worked hard on has come to fruition. I just don't see how this can possibly happen anymore, which really breaks my heart. I need a new start because I literally cannot stay here any longer, nor would I want to. I feel like any number of people are trying to give me "tough love" but at this point I would just like a little compassion and understanding. I feel so discouraged right now. Also, I know Collin is on a date tonight, which does not help at all. I'm supposed to go visit next week but at this point I just can't even think about it. At least I've had no trouble losing weight, although it hasn't been terribly healthy I guess. But I'm saving on food costs: I still eat regularly of course, I just don't have much of an appetite anymore, so I don't eat much.

I wish things weren't so bleak lately, but it is what it is. I feel like my whole life is a deep wound right now, and I'll just have to wait until it heals. And hope it does.

Day Thirty: Committed.

So remember how I said I had gotten two rejections for my job applications? Yeah, I've still only been rejected for two jobs. Except today I got another rejection. For one of those same two positions. Hey, guess what guys? I got the memo. Thanks. It's funny because when I applied to graduate school at Berkeley I also got two rejection letters. Love that. Anyway, I haven't heard from any of the other 35+ companies.

This has been a real emotional growth spurt. I've gotten through hard times before. These growing pains, too, shall pass, and I will be even stronger and happier someday soon.

Anyway, I've applied for tons of jobs and taken a very hot bath. Please, God, let me sleep tonight. I'm so so tired.

Day Thirty: Whirlwind.

This has been an incredibly emotional day. The good news is that I applied for ten jobs. I feel great. Now if only I could get some sleep tonight.

Day Twenty-Nine: Reframe.

I see that the challenge is to funnel all this fear and frustration and disappointment into determination to keep on going, and I will keep on going. I will not give up on myself.

Day Twenty-Nine: Letting Go.

Yesterday was intense.

Why is it so difficult for me to let go of bad habits and thoughts and feelings when I can let myself go so easily?

When my eighth grade teacher Mr. Hill told me flippantly one day after giving me detention for no reason, "Life's not fair, Charity," I had no idea how profound this statement actually is.

I have worked so hard for so long but when you get right down to it, that just doesn't matter. The right person has to just happen to see your resume in the stack of 300, you have to be in the right place at the right time (in your life) to meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with, you have to have the right people give you the right advice on career paths and major life decisions, and lately it just seems that if you work as hard as you possibly can and are as good a person as you can possibly be, you won't see a return on your investment without an amazing amount of luck. And I am very unlucky.

This journey I'm taking has been very exciting but also very lonely and very difficult. I appreciate that it is making me a better person but at some point I'd also like to feel job security and relationship stability too. I'd like to be able to count on something in my life.

I do enjoy being by myself, and I do think I'm a compassionate and hard-working person, but sometimes it's very hard to be so alone and feel so invisible.

Ok, I have to go pack boxes and move, because of course my office is moving this week. Why wouldn't we be?

Days Twenty-Seven and Twenty-Eight: Blurry.

I'm getting so tired. I'm trying not to be discouraged about the job search, and I know that eventually all will come to fruition, but I'm tired. It's getting difficult to come home from work every day and then sit in front of the computer even longer sending letters to people begging them to hire me, afraid they will never even see them. Since I first got those 2 rejection emails, I have heard NOTHING from ANYWHERE. I've applied to over 25 places by now, too. It's exasperating.

My eyes are blurry because I'm so tired, my days are blurry because they are going so fast and I'm working through from wake-up to night-night. I couldn't remember my PIN today at the grocery store and even typed in my phone number wrong.

I don't mean to complain; I know this is part of the process, and I'm no better than anyone else who has to go through this. It's really been humbling, actually. But I'm tired. And I want to go home. Wherever that will be when this is all over.

In other news, I took a lot of pictures recently of all the sorting, and I'm going to post them when I finally get around to it. In the meantime, here's a little photo of the most beautiful niece in the universe wearing a onesie I appliquéd for her, sleeping like I wish I could again.

I can't believe I used to have time to craft...

Day Twenty-Six: Sorting.

Sorting.

I had brunch with a friend from graduate school this morning. It was sad because we are both in a [throws up hands in the air and sighs dramatically] moment of our lives, trying to do the best we can, but it was really nice to know that I'm not the only one here.

I have picked out my 5 jobs for today and I'm excited to apply for them. Also, Mad (Collin's stepmom) is coming into town so I have a dinner date! Nice. :-)

I still have that sorting to do though. For a concept so simple, sorting is incredibly intense and important.

Also, there is loud noise outside and it is coming from a big orange truck parked in my parking place. Grr. But what a lovely day. :-)

Day Twenty-Six: Step Right Up!

Can't believe it's before 9 and I've already made brunch plans and arranged for a buyer to pick up three bookshelves. This day is starting out very productively. :-)

I'm going to do a pictorial later. Get ready to see some jaw-dropping progress in progress!!

Day Twenty-Five: Heck Yeah, Buddy!

1) Well, I applied for two jobs at Berkeley that both look AWESOME. Like, I could do them, and I would love to do them. Those are jobs I would look forward to every day. :-) It's not 5 jobs, but it's something, and I'm happy about it.

2) The kitchen is still unclean.

3) So is the bathroom.

4) Collin and I finally had our "come-to-jesus" talk about our relationship. I feel much better about it actually. It's been really hard getting advice from people that doesn't jive with how our relationship works. We have a special bond, and it's difficult to understand. He's dating someone else, and now I know who it is, and I feel better about it, actually. I don't know why. But I do. I have too much to worry about anyway. Oh, and I bought a ticket to go visit again. This will be interesting. I had to schedule it around his new love interest's availability. Yes. Interesting.

5) I took another entire car load to the Salvation Army (SCORE) and put all my stuff up for sale. So far I've sold three bookshelves and my DVD player. It's a start.

6) I might not get to yoga today. Or maybe I'll do some yoga before bed.

Day Twenty-Five: Update.

Wanted to do a midday update to keep me on my toes.

1) I have not applied for any jobs yet. I have relegated that odious task for when the beautiful sun sets behind Atlanta's beautiful skyline. I have, however, looked at the employment website at UC Berkeley and apartments around that area. They are much more affordable. Berkeley or Oakland might be a good place to start/stay/finish.

2) I have taken out my trash and recyclables, and I washed my dishes yesterday. I still have not "cleaned" my kitchen though.

3) I have not cleaned my bathroom, but I did go buy toilet paper and take a shower!

4) I cancelled with Collin's mother and sister-in-law. Too raw.

5) I bought trash bags AND filled four of them with stuffs. Then I took the bags along with some non-bagables to the Salvation Army! I've almost got the furniture I'm going to sell on Craig's List dug out enough to sell!

6) I have not yet done yoga.

Well, it's a good start! Another thing I'm worrying about now is the car. My mom advised me not to worry about all the things that I have to worry about, especially not at once. Just figure them out when they get here. I think if I had one thing settled, though, I'd feel a lot better. I just keep looking for things to get settled, and nothing ever does. Ack.

Day Twenty-Five: Alive.

Well, I'm just going to be upfront about it. I heard from Collin and we decided to try to be friends but in our Skype call last night he told me he's already started seeing other people. I feel like I've been gut-shot.

But this isn't about Collin, this is about me. I must maintain focus on my own journey.

So today I have an agenda.

1) I will apply for at least 5 jobs.

2) I will clean my kitchen.

3) I will clean my bathroom.

4) I will go to birthday tea with Collin's mother and sister-in-law (yes, it will be awkward), and I will try not to be a basketcase.

5) At this point I have so much stuff quarantined to be taken to the Salvation Army that I'm thinking of calling a truck. However, if I can get to the store and buy some garbage bags I might be able to take a load over there this afternoon.

Whoa! I better get started.

6) I better add yoga to the list.

I haven't heard back from the acupuncturist, which I think is odd. Must remember to call him Monday or call someone else. I'm needing some needling.

Day Twenty-Four: Already.

Yikes. Time moves like the dickens! Or, the Dickens. I don't know.

I can't believe it's been almost a month. Let me see what I've done.

1) I've lost six pounds. Excellent.

2) I've sorted through a bunch of junk, but I haven't taken the donations to the Salvation Army or put the sellables on Craig's List. Oh well.

3) I've gone to visit SF for the first time and fallen in love with it.

4) I've done my taxes (it is incredible to me that I've done my taxes before March this year. This is the first time I've done them before April, as far as I recall). Awesome.

5) I've really gotten my website into good shape I think.

6) I've applied for probably 20 jobs, most of those in the last 6 days, actually. I've also sent emails to several contacts I have and gotten promising leads from at least one of them.

7) I've gotten closer to Collin's family although he's gotten further (and farther) away from me (yes, it's weird).

I'm excited to see what's in store for me in the near future. I'm really impatient to get to SF but I think I'm doing ok with the process so far.

I did send in my rent check today for March and think I should tell my landlord I'm moving... But when am I moving? Who knows. I'm amazed at how well I'm dealing with all this uncertainty.

Wow, you might be saying, because you're not dealing with it well at all. Exactly. What if I hadn't been dealing with it "well" then?

Our volunteer at work (we often work together, just me and her, since she often comes in when no one else is there) told me she was worried about me today, and then she gave me a really solid hug.

I'll be ok.